Lately, I have been going through
life feeling like I’m browsing. Not looking for anything in particular, but certainly
looking for something. Maybe it’s to fill a subconscious void; maybe it’s to
discover a bigger and better purpose in life. Sometimes I think it is just a way
of transitioning from one boring week to the next, thinking “hey, I should do
something exciting”, only to be discontented week after week with nothing but a
mere, insignificant (if I should be so lucky) feat.
It doesn’t help my predicament that
I am an exact mitotic reproduction of my father. We have very few personality
traits and 9 times out of 10 we are either:
1.
Impatient
2.
Irrational
3.
Irritated
I also have the luxury of suffering
from: constant hunger, a need for altering my current state of mind, a desire
to hoard objects or animals, and a general loathing for anything with two legs
that doesn’t conform to my needs and wants. Luckily, I am very good at disguising
my true feelings and have even come to love my new acquirement of actually
genuinely liking some people. I guess it came with age (and grey hair, but we
won’t go there).
When presented with the facts above
(and yes, I have known myself for almost 24 years, they ARE facts) one can
conclude that I must have a miserable existence. And it would be true if I didn’t
have my husband, my dogs, my education, my family, and my few friends. This
brings me back to my first notion of disgruntlement. What IS missing? Is it
something that is missing, or just something I am unsuccessfully detecting? I
feel a hollowness that I can’t quite put my finger on.
Some of my recent attempts (some
failed, some just didn’t do the trick but are still a part of my life) at
filling this void:
1.
Juicing
2.
Running
3.
Kindling
4.
Painting
Maybe I need to cut the shit. Maybe
I need to be more ambitious with my life. Maybe I need to count my blessings
and STFU. Either way, a feeling is a feeling and if we could control them they
would just be decisions. TO BE CONTINUED…
On a different note, here are some
things I have been pondering:
1.
How do my dogs know when I am cutting food for
myself, and when I am cutting food for them? They must know by the way I hold
my fork or something that it’s going in their mouths and not mine…
2.
Why can I be so tired upon arriving home from
work and then as soon as I’m doing nothing important I become awake?
3.
WHY do I think watching movies by myself is so
depressing?
