voids

Lately, I have been going through life feeling like I’m browsing. Not looking for anything in particular, but certainly looking for something. Maybe it’s to fill a subconscious void; maybe it’s to discover a bigger and better purpose in life. Sometimes I think it is just a way of transitioning from one boring week to the next, thinking “hey, I should do something exciting”, only to be discontented week after week with nothing but a mere, insignificant (if I should be so lucky) feat.

It doesn’t help my predicament that I am an exact mitotic reproduction of my father. We have very few personality traits and 9 times out of 10 we are either:

1.   Impatient

2.   Irrational

3.   Irritated

I also have the luxury of suffering from: constant hunger, a need for altering my current state of mind, a desire to hoard objects or animals, and a general loathing for anything with two legs that doesn’t conform to my needs and wants. Luckily, I am very good at disguising my true feelings and have even come to love my new acquirement of actually genuinely liking some people. I guess it came with age (and grey hair, but we won’t go there).

When presented with the facts above (and yes, I have known myself for almost 24 years, they ARE facts) one can conclude that I must have a miserable existence. And it would be true if I didn’t have my husband, my dogs, my education, my family, and my few friends. This brings me back to my first notion of disgruntlement. What IS missing? Is it something that is missing, or just something I am unsuccessfully detecting? I feel a hollowness that I can’t quite put my finger on.

Some of my recent attempts (some failed, some just didn’t do the trick but are still a part of my life) at filling this void:

1.   Juicing

2.   Running

3.   Kindling

4.   Painting

Maybe I need to cut the shit. Maybe I need to be more ambitious with my life. Maybe I need to count my blessings and STFU. Either way, a feeling is a feeling and if we could control them they would just be decisions. TO BE CONTINUED…

On a different note, here are some things I have been pondering:

1.   How do my dogs know when I am cutting food for myself, and when I am cutting food for them? They must know by the way I hold my fork or something that it’s going in their mouths and not mine…

2.   Why can I be so tired upon arriving home from work and then as soon as I’m doing nothing important I become awake?

3.   WHY do I think watching movies by myself is so depressing?